Tag Archives: human

Gone

23 Jul

 

Sometimes I feel like things would be better if I was gone.

Just end things and make it easier for everyone.

But I’m too afraid.

Too scared to die and to weak to live,
So what do I do with myself as I continue to exist?

I feel so useless sometimes,
A disappointment to everyone; even my own mind.

I know what I need to do,
I know that I have many things to do better,
I know I have potential;
But sometimes I really wish that I see it clearer.

Maybe if its over they’ll all be happier.
Everyone will be sad for a while but life goes on and they’ll grow older,
Minus a burden that is me. Maybe…maybe I should disappear.

It hurts to think and it hurts to feel
It hurts to hear myself scolding me
I feel so useless, I feel like a wimp,
That’s wasting her life and their money
I dont know whats real.

More. More. More than before.

More than I know.

Dear God, its me.
Unworthy, useless, sad little me.
Help. Please hear my plea.
Help me not give up on me.
Show me how to set myself free.
Of the chains in my mind
Like a strong, grounded tree.
Help me not be a disappointment
Help me make a difference
Help me find my purpose
Help me spread kindness and understanding to others.
Give me the strength to deal with this pain
Stop me from going insane

V

 

 

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Hidden

22 Jan

Public Faces, Hidden Lies,

Fake Tears, Dry Eyes,

A part of you? 

No surprise.

– O.V

Silence

12 Jan

Dear Reader,

Brace yourself. This post is a long one. It’s something I wrote a while back.
I found it hidden away in a folder with some other random files.

An original picture I took.

An original picture I took.

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I’m just so tired. I feel so tired.

I know you care. I know you’re worried. I see where you’re coming from. I see so much more than it may seem. Don’t shut out, don’t hold back. Share. Yet if I did would you listen? Would you hear and not look upon me with disapproval?

I speak but you do not hear, I scream but there is only silence. A shattering silence all around coming out of my mouth when inside the deafening sounds of noises fuse into each other, not allowing me to think. Not allowing me to express coherently while the blaring lights of questions shine down upon me. Burning, entering, vaporizing every inch of my being. Who am I? What is wrong? What is right? Perspectives. Thoughts. Dreams. Passions. Silence.

I am so much more that you think I am. Or am I? What am I? Who am I? Priorities? Time? A day a month a year a second. The slippery slope is apparent and vast in front of me. The truth? Yes. It is here within. You want it, but are you ready for it? Can you handle it? Or will I be drowned in the never-ending torrents of darkness that you may think it brings.

Mind. Soul. Family. Love. Silence. I chose the darkness? What if there is light within. What if there isn’t?  I don’t know. I’m tired.

Do you think I do not see? I see. I hear. I feel. So much more that you can even begin to understand. This gift. This curse. Learning to control it before it breaks loose and satisfies a deep pit of blood lust within. Every bud around me is flowering blooming bright and clear, yet here I am, still in the ground, still dirty and damp. Dreaming, wishing, hoping that one day I would rise above all else into the warm light. False? Naïve? Dumb? Maybe. I don’t know.

Different timeframe. Different moments. Different thoughts. Different choices. Yes. True. I agree. I see, but do you?

That familiar weight that was so long upon me a long ago looms close by, here is your carrot. Enter the glass box. Stay. Silent. Shush.

Do what is right. Follow the path. Yet no, that isn’t it. That’s not how it was always. How do I speak when it only gets me shut in?

Tired. So tired. Tired of disappointing. Tired of being lost. Trying. Trying to fight it. Trying to be strong and hold on and find that strength that was there so long ago. That strength that came with a mask. That strength in which darkness and light fought.

Maybe, maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I need it to fill this void of a clattering silence within. Invisible. There.

What if I am meant for so much more? What if I have been good all this while and I am finally not strong enough to be good anymore? What if the darkness is taking over? Opinions. Suggestions. No. No force is involved. Here’s your long-lost arm, now go ahead fix it in and use it as if you need a third arm. Analogy. Fail.

I feel as if I am supposed to open up this dam holding a flood filled with blood, laughter, tears, hopes, thoughts. No not open, break it, blow it up. Even though those walls have stood true for so long. What happens then? When the swirling currents of everything come forth and break through? What happens when it pulls me under while all is above on the railing on the other side?

Silence. There will only be silence.

– O.V

Beginnings

31 Dec

morguefile.com

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I feel myself floating,

A change is in the air,

Is a flower blooming?

I hear the song of nature,

She is infinitely soothing. 

.

It has been a year of personal growth,

Of Dark Sides and Mistakes,

And forgotten oaths,

Of Trust and Regaining Faith,

Of Love and Truth,

And making it right, before its too late. 

.

It was a process,

Breaking Free from chains in my mind,

I still bear the bleeding scars,

They burst open from time to time.

.

We shall see for now,

Where this story goes,

What the future holds,

No one really knows.

.

The time is at hand, 

Chin up, I stand,

I have my faith,

These past experiences I will try not to waste. 

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Happy New Year to you, dear reader.

Where ever you are and whatever you have gone through this past year in 2014, be it good or bad, trust that everything happens for a reason and you’re a champion for having gone through it.

I wish you a beautiful fresh new start and a blessed 2015 filled with Love, Joy, Health and Good Food.

Much Love,

V

Ride

30 Dec

morguefile.com

In my mind, I am on a ride.

Infinite possibilities ahead,

Though secretly I just want to hide.

.

I feel you, slowly slipping away,

I feel us drifting,

Mismatched chess pieces,

Pushing, pulling,

Silently falling.

.

This little voice inside is screaming, whispering,

Secret thoughts, Hidden desires,

Scheming, Fleeting,

Glimpses of passion’s fire in shadow,

Hollow, Numb, Beautifully wrapped sorrow.

.

I thought I climbed that big old hill,

Though it seems to be a dream, brought on by a pill,

The feverish longing to go is consuming me still,

My brain is awake yet my heart seems to be chilled.

.

– V

Behind the Shadows

14 Dec

morguefile.com

 

It is silent, a supposed friend in the shadows.

Darkness disguised by light.

It lurks behind the curtain, surfacing ever so often to make sure it’s grip around my heart and mind is still exists. It squeezes a little, feeling my breath shorten, my nerves pulsate, my lungs struggle to live…to survive another day.

.

“I’m still here, my love. Forever and always I am a part of you.”

“No, you are but a demon in disguise. A shadow of my past. Goodbye.”

“I . WILL . NEVER . LEAVE”

.

I fall down again.

Down this tunnel of self-deprecation. Of pain. Of hate.

Of trying to pull myself to the surface but failing.

Of trying to break free of this whirlpool of shadows that clings on and pulls.

It happens time and time again.

I am so tired.

.

“Be beautiful. Cover up.”

“Speak your mind. Do not be out of line.”

“Family before friends. Friends before family.”

.

Enough. Please.

.

I feel like I am always in the wrong. Always.

There is never something right that I am doing.

Positivity is a lie. Beauty is a lie. I am my name. Illusion.

I am dying inside. Innocence lost. Time running out.

.

Poison.

Poisonous words engulfed in love running through my veins.

“Do not take this to heart. You may hate me. Think about it.”

.

Obligations. Truth. Half-lies. Disguises. Smiles.
Thoughts. Expectations. Love. Success. Failure. Tears.

I am far from perfect. This I know.

.

Am I human? Sometimes I wonder.

I always thought there was something more. Some miracle. Some story behind the door of my existence. Yet now, it seems to be slipping away.

Together with my mind. Together with my soul. Together with me.

.

What is the point? I have no magic in me anymore.
I am tired. Withered. Worn. Burnt. Spent.

Enough. Please.

Guilt.

.

These words.

These words are my light, my salvation, my purging of sorrows.

Another day. I live.

–  V