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Shattered

25 Jul

A piece of broken glass
That is all that’s left
As my body shattered into a million pieces
While my soul bled out
Weary and weakened

By the lies
By the egos
By the broken trust
By the burning sorrow

Where do I go now
What do I do now
These chains seem to cling on
They seem to know where I am 
And tag along

Loneliness
It feels so loud
No longer limited to 
Being a background sound

I’m tired. Of giving my heart and my trust out only for it to be thrown in my face. When a sorry is all it takes, sealed by a sad embrace. Tired of these lies.
ANGRY at the way it is.

Grateful for the Angels that God surrounds me with. 

~ ~ ~

Much Love from my shattered heart,
V

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Gone

23 Jul

 

Sometimes I feel like things would be better if I was gone.

Just end things and make it easier for everyone.

But I’m too afraid.

Too scared to die and to weak to live,
So what do I do with myself as I continue to exist?

I feel so useless sometimes,
A disappointment to everyone; even my own mind.

I know what I need to do,
I know that I have many things to do better,
I know I have potential;
But sometimes I really wish that I see it clearer.

Maybe if its over they’ll all be happier.
Everyone will be sad for a while but life goes on and they’ll grow older,
Minus a burden that is me. Maybe…maybe I should disappear.

It hurts to think and it hurts to feel
It hurts to hear myself scolding me
I feel so useless, I feel like a wimp,
That’s wasting her life and their money
I dont know whats real.

More. More. More than before.

More than I know.

Dear God, its me.
Unworthy, useless, sad little me.
Help. Please hear my plea.
Help me not give up on me.
Show me how to set myself free.
Of the chains in my mind
Like a strong, grounded tree.
Help me not be a disappointment
Help me make a difference
Help me find my purpose
Help me spread kindness and understanding to others.
Give me the strength to deal with this pain
Stop me from going insane

V

 

 

“Real”

5 Jul

I think I finally have begun to grasp the idea of ‘being real’ in acting. It actually applies a lot to life as well. Too often are we caught up in the ideals and ideas of what we think is right and how things should be in comparison to what they are and what they can be.

This more often than not leaves us disappointed and unfulfilled.

We build up expectations about things and then get disappointed when they don’t live up to what we have in mind.

We fall in love with ideals and ideas instead of what’s there in reality because things always seem better in one’s head.

The truth is that we are all walking imperfections, but that is what makes us beautiful. The internal conflicts, the external flaws, the hidden scars, the unwritten stories…all that, and so much more.

We are walking conundrums of humanity
at its finest and foulest at the same time.

Be in the ‘now’.

Be ‘real’.

It isn’t easy to address such madness and beauty.

It is scary. It is painful. It is mercilessly human.

Emotions in their basic form are so incredibly raw and messy.
Perspective vs Purpose.

To delve into the mind of someone else is an art that can drive one to the edge and back. It is a remarkable journey to the edge of madness that not everyone is able, nor willing to make.

That crush? That character? That argument? We create stories in our head, piecing together fragments that we hungrily grasp for after over analysing each and every thing that happened. We then begin to do something that can only cause nothing but trouble; we assume.

We look past logic, we look past reason, we look past that nagging feeling of doubt and decide our assumptions are the truth. Because let’s face it, fantasy more often than not trumps reality. Though if you look hard enough, ‘being real’ is still needed in the world of fantasy.

It keeps us grounded and allows us to see what actually works instead of what we feel or think should work and is working. A simple concept with complex undertones. So many layers as to what is and what isn’t, what can be and what can’t as well as what is logical and isn’t.

Being ‘Real’. Go figure.

~ ~ ~

Am I making sense? What do you think? I’d love to know in the comments below. =)
See you in the next post.

Much Love,
V

You

4 Jul

Hello,

I miss you. I miss you so much. I’ve been feeling numb for the longest time but thoughts of you do cross my mind. Only now are they beginning to flow.

I miss you. I’m sorry. Thank you.

I’m sorry that we weren’t meant to be. I’m sorry I stopped feeling. I’m sorry I gave up on us. Even after promising that I’ll be there. I’m sorry my mind wondered and I allowed myself to stop feeding the fire.

We’ve been through so much and I’ve seen you grown so much. You’ve helped me too, you know? In so many ways, big and small.

I’m so proud of you. For allowing me to step away. For looking within and allowing yourself to learn so much from this. You are an amazing soul and I know you will soar to great heights. Of this I have no doubts. I am and will always be proud of you in each step you take.

I don’t know what to say so I’m just going to list down what I miss about you.

I miss talking to you about nothing. I miss ranting and having someone to listen to me rant. I miss your hugs. I miss laying in bed and cuddling. I miss watching movies till late and snacking.

I miss your sense of responsibility and independence. I miss showing you my art and writing and having someone appreciate them despite my weirdness. I miss you seeing me as human first and then everything else.

I miss having someone to run to and hide in a corner with when I feel the world is too much and I am not good enough. I miss forehead kisses. I miss showing you a shadow of my vulnerability. I miss being an absolute clingy brat with you.

I miss you. A part of me will always love you of that I have no doubt.

But it isn’t enough.

For that I am truly sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. For making your voice crack. For hearing it at a decibel lower than it usually is. For hearing the undercurrent of struggle each time you spoke to me. I don’t know if I answer because I’m trying to help you or help myself.

I feel like all it does is hurt you, yet I can’t ignore you. Not you.

Thank you for taking the time to believe in me. Thank you for loving me before my identity. Thank you for seeing the beauty in my ugly. Thank you for your patience as I was picking up the pieces. Thank you for accepting my truths and not judging me. Thank you for understanding why I want to wait and for never forcing me or taking advantage even when there was an opportunity. Thank you for standing by me when no one else did. Thank you for all this and much more.

Thank you for allowing me to spread my wings.

Thank you for being a part of my journey for as long as you were in it. You were a big part of my life that I’m grateful to have experienced. Thank you for saying goodbye.

3.1.16

~ ~ ~

That was something I wrote a while ago when I was going through a breakup. We are now friends, and I am glad we made it through. =)

Hope you guys are keeping well where you are! Till the next post.

Much Love,
V

Plagued

6 Feb

I hear the noises,

The grunts, growls,

The mumbles that pierce the thick silence of night.

 

I see her wrapped tightly in her blanket,

Body curved into a fetal position,

Hiding, protecting herself from the nightmares 

that plagued her dreams.

 

There are bouts of silence,

Little moments of rest before once again,

she fights the demons in her head.

Demons that haunt from the past, reminding, recreating.

 

I wish I could gather the darkness and pulverize it.

I wish I could pick up fistfuls of

those damn nightmares and throw them away.

 

I wish I could summon a breeze to

blow them away into the night sky,

Never to be seen again.

 

I wish I could heal her pain,

So she could sleep in peace, her mind sane.

.

Thanks for reading,
Much Love,
– V.

Conundrum #2

5 Feb

It’s like the ex you keep returning to,

Knowing it’ll only hurt you,

Yet round and round the cycle goes,

Keeping you dancing on frostbitten toes.

Why you choose to forget,

And believe that people’s attitudes can be reset,

Why you choose to remember the good,

And cause yourself pain wishing you understood,

Only God knows.

.

Thanks for reading,
Much Love,
– V.

Conundrum #1

4 Feb

Do you see the conundrum I’m in?

Always on the outside looking in.

Silently waiting,

Well practiced at pretending.

 

I wait, I look,

Hand on the glass window,

Joy masking sorrow.

.

Thanks for reading,
Much Love,
– V.